Headlines From the Edge

"I Was The Model For The Great Face Of Mars!"

Ninety-seven year old Sam Terwilliger of Austin, Texas claims that he was the model for the famous great face of Mars, and insists that attempts by NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration to convince the public that the face is a myth is proof of their colution with a Martian government. He is seeking US$7 million in compensation, citing loss of future royalties from space tourists.


"Two Chia Pets Marry!"

Mary Francis Dean of San Luis Obispo, California has owned the same two Chia Pets for ten years, and since they have, in her words, reached 'maturity', they needed to make a commitment. So she contacted ordained minister Billy Bob Wilder of the Church of the Sacred Bleeding Heart located in Los Angeles, and he flew in to wed the happy couple in a quiet ceremony in Mary's beach side home. Mary says that the two plant 'pets'; a man with long hair, and a sheep have grown up together, and have always been the best of friends. But since ten years in Chia Pet years is almost twenty human years, they either needed to 'get hitched or go their separate ways'.


"US Government Announces Plan to Move to China!"

In a stunning announcement, US State Department sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, announced that the White House would reveal plans just before the upcoming congressional elections to move the entire country to China. "In keeping with the intent of Christopher Columbus, who was just looking for trade routes to the Orient, the president will put us where the valiant explorer meant us to be. We're going back to our roots, and the best way is to get back to Chris's route." This is meant to increase Republican's sagging poll numbers.


"Six Year Old Genetic Engineer Creates Own Little Brother!"

Little Danny Unger of Rochester, Indiana has always been a science aficianado, but his parents had no idea what they were getting into when they brought home a "Little Scientist Kit" from the toy store. It seems that Danny has wanted a brother for years, but Mum and Dad weren't providing one. So he started his own project with jar full of goo and a toenail. Six months later, 'Tony' was fully grown and ready for diapers!