Headlines From the Edge

"Man Sues Self... Loses!"

John Oreck of Mobile, Alabama announced through his attorney Jackie Chiles that he had sued himself for an undisclosed transgression and lost. "My client made a foolish decision in attempting to _____within the Mobile city limits with a _____ , especially with full knowledge of the effect it would have on his _____ . With intent and malice aforethought, as well as before thought, he willfully _____ his _____ , and further incriminated himself by _____ after the fact. A lawsuit was the only way for him to regain his _____ , and this shocking defeat at the hands of _____ is nothing but a speed bump on the way to eventual vindication and _____."


"New Year Arrives, Nothing Happens!"

2007 finally arrived amid countless dramatic predictions, but all of them were eclipsed by the shocking news that with the exception of a ball dropping in New York's Times Square, fireworks going off in thousands of places around the globe, as well as billions of calendars being changed, absolutely nothing happened. The planets failed to collide, the antichrist missed his appointment, and every computer malfunction that ocurred did so with a perfectly reasonable explanation.


"Democrats Take Control, Fix World!"

A mere hour after Democrats took control of both Houses of the United States legislature, every problem facing the world was solved. In the first half hour, the global temperature lowered by five degrees, refreezing the polar ice-caps. Osama Bin Laden apologized for everything he's done (through his attorney Jackie Chiles), denounced violence, and voluntarily entered a rehab clinic. In the next half hour, they ended the war in Iraq and achieved a lasting Middle East Peace. After fixing every other problem, they relinquished power without accepting any pay.

Extremists

I'd like to touch on a subject that just won't go away, and in fact is spreading. Even downunder. Religious extremists. Primarily those who are so hateful and intolerant that they consider it their duty to kill anyone who doesn't believe what they do. Yes, Muslim extremists. Not your average peace-loving Muslim who really has had a tough time since September 11th 2001. I know what it is like to be judged because of what someone else has done, when they happen to be from the same country as you, so I think I can identify with these folks. We all know that the aforementioned extremists went on a binge of burning and blowing up because of criticism levelled at their prophet. I won't repeat it. I'd say to these people, don't try to say that you have any moral high ground. If people accuse you of being violent, to react violently just makes their case. And how dare you warn the world that further accusations of violent tendencies will result in further violence. I mean, do you have any common sense? Or is it just that you don't care about any people on the planet but yourself? It is hard to feel any sympathy for a group of people who kill and burn every time someone criticizes them. People who have escaped from these extremists. Don’t believe me? Read “Because They Hate” by Brigitte Gabriel (ISBN-13: 9780312358372) . Here is an excerpt from a speech she made at the Intelligence Summit in Washington DC, Saturday February 18, 2006

I was ten years old when my home exploded around me, burying me under the rubble and leaving me to drink my blood to survive, as the perpetrators shouted “Allah Akbar!” My only crime was that I was a Christian living in a Christian town. At 10 years old, I learned the meaning of the word "infidel."

I had a crash course in survival. Not in the Girl Scouts, but in a bomb shelter where I lived for seven years in pitch darkness, freezing cold, drinking stale water and eating grass to live. At the age of 13 I dressed in my burial clothes going to bed at night, waiting to be slaughtered. By the age of 20, I had buried most of my friends--killed by Muslims. We were not Americans living in New York, or Britons in London. We were Arab Christians living in Lebanon.

Headlines From the Edge

The following headlines are not true. They are intended as parody only.


"Kleptomaniac Steals House!"

Jamie Presley of Auslaught, Kentucky thought everything was okay having her friend Ally Sango overnight. She'd locked up the fine silver and hidden the family jewels in a wall safe, because Ally is a kleptomaniac, a person who feels an irresistable compulsion to steal. You guessed it. Jamie woke up underneath the big tree in the front yard to discover that the whole house had been taken... from the foundation to the attic. "She warned me," a distraught Jamie said. "She said she might have a problem. I just didn't think she was this serious." Family and insurers have promised to provide more lodgings as soon as possible, so Jamie can host her friend Fiona... who happens to be a pyromaniac.


"New Time Person of The Year!"

Responding to criticism of their choice as ‘everyone’ as their person of the year, Time Magazine has stated that in fact, since it could also be proven scientifically that nobody changed the world noticably for good or evil, nobody in fact deserved the award. Says Jon Schmidt, who leads the choice committee, “If everyone is person of the year, that means by definition that no one person made an outstanding contribution. Therefore, nobody is person of the year, and nobody will get all they recognition they so richly deserve.”


"Real Submarine Sandwich!"

The US Navy has introduced a remarkable new submarine that promises to revolutionize the so-called silent service. The new micro submarine (that is available in sizes ranging from six inches to a foot-long) will feed its crew as they patrol, but will also distract any enemy ships that come into contact with it. While engineers are struggling with the problem of bread softening, they say that they are confident that the minor distraction of bread breaking off and floating away as they speed up will not detract from the overall mission of good food for hard-working sailors.

Headlines From the Edge

"I Was The Model For The Great Face Of Mars!"

Ninety-seven year old Sam Terwilliger of Austin, Texas claims that he was the model for the famous great face of Mars, and insists that attempts by NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration to convince the public that the face is a myth is proof of their colution with a Martian government. He is seeking US$7 million in compensation, citing loss of future royalties from space tourists.


"Two Chia Pets Marry!"

Mary Francis Dean of San Luis Obispo, California has owned the same two Chia Pets for ten years, and since they have, in her words, reached 'maturity', they needed to make a commitment. So she contacted ordained minister Billy Bob Wilder of the Church of the Sacred Bleeding Heart located in Los Angeles, and he flew in to wed the happy couple in a quiet ceremony in Mary's beach side home. Mary says that the two plant 'pets'; a man with long hair, and a sheep have grown up together, and have always been the best of friends. But since ten years in Chia Pet years is almost twenty human years, they either needed to 'get hitched or go their separate ways'.


"US Government Announces Plan to Move to China!"

In a stunning announcement, US State Department sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, announced that the White House would reveal plans just before the upcoming congressional elections to move the entire country to China. "In keeping with the intent of Christopher Columbus, who was just looking for trade routes to the Orient, the president will put us where the valiant explorer meant us to be. We're going back to our roots, and the best way is to get back to Chris's route." This is meant to increase Republican's sagging poll numbers.


"Six Year Old Genetic Engineer Creates Own Little Brother!"

Little Danny Unger of Rochester, Indiana has always been a science aficianado, but his parents had no idea what they were getting into when they brought home a "Little Scientist Kit" from the toy store. It seems that Danny has wanted a brother for years, but Mum and Dad weren't providing one. So he started his own project with jar full of goo and a toenail. Six months later, 'Tony' was fully grown and ready for diapers!

Immigration

The immigration problem is not a simple issue. Immigrants built this country, and we'd be stupid to try to keep them out because of where they come from. At the same time, I don't like the idea of granting millions of illegals (and I'm not talking about a race here.... I mean illegals from anywhere) amnesty and citizenship just because they're here. I am a compromise kind of person. I think that these folks contribute immensely to the country, and we need to recognize that, but they have to admit that they broke the law and both sides have to work to a compromise. They need to meet in the middle... sit across a table and talk to each other. There needs to be some kind of documentation for everyone in the country working. For taxes, and benefits and legal representation, so they can't be taken advantage of. I'm not a fan of government, but it does have it's uses, and this is one. The constitution is worthless if you don't have a way of making sure it is followed everywhere, and reaches everyone in the country. Otherwise, undocumented workers are held hostage in a way, because they have no recourse if they're mistreated. So I think they need to put theeir names down somewhere... let them continue working to feed themselves and their families, but require them to start, at the same time, paperwork to at least get work permits. The paperwork needs to be cut so people are willing to finish it... people on the gov't payroll should provide low-cost assistance to get the paperwork done right, and we get all these people on the track to some proper status so they can be protected under the law. But at the same time, we should have a secure border, because not everyone who crosses illegally is innocent. There are criminals and fugitives who cross, and we owe it to the people in the country to know who is coming in. Not as an excuse to stop good people, but as protection. Just like when you lock your doors at night. And I think also that the Mexican government needs to take a hard look at why so many people are leaving a country so rich in oil and agriculture. Why are there so many poor people in so rich a country?

Money money money

Let me say from the start that I believe in capitalism. Not that money is the key to happiness, but competition is, as a rule, a positive thing. It motivates people to work harder, and it fuels the economy. No matter where you are in the free world, a market economy is the best working model. Economics brought down the Soviet Union and is turning Cuba into a backwater. And it's the only reason China is opening up markets to the west. And yet...

Most of the world's problems can be traced to money. Africa is, from an agricultural point of view, one of the richest continents on the planet. They also have heaps and heaps of oil. So why are so many people starving and dying there? It isn't because there's no food. It's because the thugs who run so many African countries are rich and corrupt and can only keep their people under control by starving them. They have food and oil to spare but are not willing to share it. Instead they horde their fortunes. If they didn't control all that, they be on an equal footing. It's all about money.

The Middle East is, without a doubt, one of the most troublesome parts of the world. That is because, religious issues aside, you have essentially a number of competing tribes and kingdoms selling oil to fund ancient hatreds and feuds. Strip away the diplomatic trappings, and that's what you have. I'm not saying anything against Islam. I'm saying that their political systems haven't changed substantially since the crusades. What am I getting at? Just that if the oil they have wasn't so valuable, the western world wouldn't have to worry about them. They could carry on ancient grudges all they want, and the rest of us wouldn't be held hostage to them. I know there are important issues at stake and problems there, and the western world is responsible for some of those problems. I just think we wouldn't be spending half of our pay to fill our gas tanks if it weren't for the effect of money in the region.

Money is even one of the things that fuels terrorism. Terrorists cannot hope to gain power through any honest means. Instead, they build their fortunes through drug running and piracy, and use much of the proceeds to help starving and suffering populations. That in turn gives them a foot in the door to countries looking for anyone to lead them. Anyone who'll feed the people. Hello, Africa. Are you listening?

I'm not saying that money is evil. Only people can be evil. But as long as the world is ruled by money, we're going to suffer because of it.

But how about here at home... in your home? We all shop the specials here and there. Coupons can save you lots of money. But what else could we do? Think about this: one of the most popular things we see for kids is the juice box. You know, the little cardboard or foil/plastic packet filled with sugary 'juice mix' that typically contains no more than five percent juice. Each of these will usually cost at least a dollar or two and contain less than 12 ounces of juice. At the same time, a single packet of kool-aid, costing less than a dollar (30 cents here in expensive Las Vegas) makes two quarts. The juice box is a convenience and a time saver, and with the need for most homes to have two incomes, it's easy to see why we pay a little more to save some time. It's just regrettable that we have to do wasteful things in order to conform to a skewed model of economics. Why do we have it? Because of capitalism? No. Ideally, capitalism should result in lower prices as competition increases. What causes prices to increase while wages fail to keep up? A lack of competition. Prices go up because they can. There's no reason not to, and every excuse to increase the profit margin. And when the government steps in to regulate the market, those companies respond by saving their profits by cutting overhead. Lay-offs and pay cuts protect the profit margin but gut the working class. Capitalism good. Greed bad.

What would you call it?

What would you call an organization that says for the record that it doesn't
care what it has to say, as long as the public comes away believing what
they are supposed to? Call it CNN. CNN says, "The content of the story is
not as important as what the viewer takes away from it." Oh sure, the
government does the same thing, but the press tells you that if you believe
the government, you're stupid, or you're a conservative (and according to
them, the only difference is that stupid means you don't understand them,
and conservative means you're evil). So really, the choice you have if you
don't go along with everything that the liberal elite tells you to believe,
you either need reeducating or you need shutting up. I won't dispute that
far right extremists, be they the christian right, or a home-grown terrorist
like Timothy McVeigh have done their share of evil, and try to silence all
dissent. And it was just plain stupid for the Bush administration (it wasn't
him, by the way. It was one of his idiots) to say that it is unpatriotic to
disagree with them. That was wrong and stupid and it has sure backfired on
them. So you can't say I'm blind to what they're doing. But aside from the
idiots I've mentioned, it is not for the most part the conservatives who
tell you what to think and what to believe and what to hate. (Although some
do). The political philosophy that most often, within its mainstream, tells
you what you can do or not do, or think or not think, or love or hate or
believe or disbelieve or shout down with the most indignant noise is the
liberal. And CNN is a perfect mouthpiece for the liberal machine. They make
no attempt to appear unbiased... otherwise the facts would be more important
than the propoganda value of the story. All you have to remember is who
started it. Ted Turner, who has been a poster boy for the liberals for more
than 25 years, and his ex-wife (how bad must he have been to chase her
off?), who posed on top of a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun. Sure, that
was a long time ago, and sure she went on television decades later and
pretended to apologize, but how many American pilots were killed with that
gun? Her 'apology' wasn't heard by them. You know, the last organization
that acted like this began in post World War One Germany. They were known as
the National Socialist Party. The Nazis.

Disagree? That's okay. Let's talk about it.

A friend....

http://www.xanga.com/hipocrisyender is a friend's blog. Anyone reading this... if there's anyone reading this :) Have a look....

Good News... that the networks don't want you to know about....

U.S. Forces Succeed in E. Africa
Associated Press January 03, 2006DJIBOUTI - al-Qaida is active in Somalia, but U.S. counterterrorism forces are succeeding in keeping its influence from spreading in East Africa - using shovels as their weapons, a commander said Monday.
Maj. Gen. Tim Ghormley, who assumed command of the task force in May, said his troops are focusing on humanitarian projects including drilling wells and refurbishing schools and clinics to improve the lives of residents in the region and keep them away from the terror network.
"We know that al-Qaida al-Itihaad is in Somalia," Ghormley told reporters in an interview at his base in the impoverished nation of Djibouti. "They'd like to export that ... if we weren't there they would be."
While the al-Qaida linked group al-Itihaad was largely destroyed or disbanded by Ethiopian troops fighting inside Somalia by 1997, some of its members have regrouped under new guises and have begun to grow in strength, according to an International Crisis Group report released in July.
Somalia, divided into warring fiefdoms and with no central government, remains fertile ground for terrorists.
The Combined Joint Task Force-Horn of Africa, set up in this former French colony in June 2002, is responsible for fighting terrorism in nine countries around the Horn of Africa: Djibouti, Eritrea, Ethiopia, Sudan, Kenya, Tanzania, Uganda and Somalia in Africa and Yemen on the southwestern corner of the Arabian Peninsula.
"I believe we're winning," Ghormley said, sitting on a wicker sofa under ceiling fans in a reception hall. "You can't contain them (al-Qaida), but we can take away their recruiting pool and deny them access and that's what we're trying to do."
He singled out a well-drilling project near the eastern Ethiopian hamlet of Gode, which drew the gratitude of the villagers.
But he also acknowledged the threat posed by terrorists taking sanctuary in Somalia and other lawless regions. African governments have historically had a hard time providing security in remote rural areas or patrolling vast borders where nomads frequently cross without detection.
Ghormley spoke after a New Year's pep rally for troops by the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Peter Pace, who is on an eight-nation tour with his wife, Lynne, "American Idol" star Diana DeGarmo and other entertainers.
Pace told the troops their job was important despite the remoteness of the outpost, saying they were the "wave of the future."
The impoverished region, which is home to many Muslims, is a well-established recruiting ground for terrorist groups and U.S. officials describe it as a critical theater in the fight against terrorism.
The region has already suffered four terrorist attacks, all either claimed by - or attributed to - Osama bin Laden's al-Qaida terrorist network. In August 1998, car bombs destroyed the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania; in October 2000 suicide bombers attacked the USS Cole while it was refueling in Yemen; and in November 2002 attackers tried to shoot down an Israeli airliner minutes before a car bomb destroyed a hotel on Kenya's coast.

Who do you believe?

Terror suspect challenges US president's 'unchecked' power

WASHINGTON (AFP) - Lawyers for an American 'war on terror' detainee said they had petitioned the Supreme Court to examine the US president's powers, citing "the danger of an unchecked Executive Branch".

In a filing on Tuesday, lawyers for terror suspect Jose Padilla cited evasive government moves to avoid a high court examination of his case as reason for requesting a "certiorari" review of a lower court decision challenging the president's wartime powers.
"The government's actions highlight the need for this court to grant certiorari to preserve the vital checks and balances" implicit in the US Constitution, the petition said.
Referring to a series of "strategic maneuvers" to keep Padilla's case from being heard in court, the petition said the government's actions "highlight the danger of an unchecked Executive Branch."

Common sense says that if the terrorist's defender doesn't like it, it's a good thing.

Term limits

Watching CNN and the networks.... I think sometimes that these people get as spoiled by their own power and publicity and press as the politicians they watch so closely. I even heard a CNN newscaster say that the content of a story was not as important as what the viewer takes away from the story. That tells me that they aren't worried as much as about accurately reporting as they are about steering public opinion and making people think what they want them to think. That's the same propoganda that they were 'Shocked! Shocked!' to hear that the administration was doing. What we need is to keep these brainwashing Vampires :) accountable by keeping a close eye on what they say, and by considering putting term limits on them. Ten years.... and get rid of them. Put them on the lecture circuit. Shove them onto the Sunday morning talk shows that are already so full of biased talking heads that they won't be noticed. The whole news industry could well do with some fresh blood.

That annoying verification thing

folks, I notice that regardless of what conservative points of view I put forth, I get no comments. So either nobody is reading, in which case I can say whatever I want, or people aren't commenting. If you aren't commenting because of that annoying verification thing, it is only because the spambots were annoying me. You can argue back all you want.... just do the little verification thing. Okay? :)

But I thought he was a model citizen!!!

January 11, 1999
Page FourB:Baldwin Wanted Hyde Stoned?
Actor Alec Baldwin may have meant it as a humorous skit when he railed about stoning Henry Hyde to death, but even after he apologized and a leading entertainment industry figure condemned him, the mainstream media never highlighted his outburst.
On the December 11 Late Night with Conan O’Brien the NBC host wrapped up his interview with Baldwin by asking about Clinton’s plight. Baldwin replied:
"They voted on one article of impeachment already. And I come back from Africa to stained dresses and cigars and this and impeachment. I am thinking to myself, in other countries they are laughing at us 24 hours a day and I’m thinking to myself, if we were in other countries, we would all right now, all of us together, [starts to shout] all of us together would go down to Washington and we would stone Henry Hyde to death! We would stone him to death! [crowd cheers] Wait! Shut up! Shut up! No shut up! I’m not finished. We would stone Henry Hyde to death and we would go to their homes and we’d kill their wives and their children. We would kill their families. [stands up, yelling] What is happening in this country? What is happening? UGHHH!"
Cutting to the supposed punch line, O’Brien then jumped up and put an air mask over Baldwin’s mouth to calm him down. Now, substitute the name Al Gore or Hillary Clinton for Henry Hyde and the name of a conservative for Baldwin. What would have been the reaction from the major networks?
In this case: nothing, not even after the Washington Post reported that "Baldwin said the exchange was a parody mocking the sanctimony of representatives...and that he was sorry Hyde took it badly. ‘In the current supercharged climate there’s no room for this kind of glibness,’ he said."A December 21 Post item by TV columnist Lisa de Moraes relayed how Jack Valenti, President of the Motion Picture Association of America, wrote Baldwin: "However it was said it’s not something you use as a joke, it’s not something you parody. This is incendiary."
FNC’s Special Report with Brit Hume played a RealPlayer clip of it from the MRC Web page and Rush Limbaugh alerted his listeners. After the December 20 Fox News Sunday showed an excerpt of Baldwin’s outburst, Brit Hume observed: "I think it was not in earnest. On the other hand, I don’t think the thought would have occurred to him to say it on that show if it hadn’t occurred to him otherwise."

True Lies?

Wow. I put in an opinion on Iraq and nobody argues. There must be no one reading. Okay, here's another.


WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The White House and a senior Republican lawmaker expressed concern on Thursday about secret military payments to get Iraqi newspapers to print pro-American articles, but the military said it was important to spread the truth while insurgents were "lying to the Iraqi people."
U.S. troops in an "information operations" task force have written articles with positive messages about the U.S. mission in Iraq that have been translated from English into Arabic and planted in Iraqi newspapers in return for money, according to defense officials speaking on condition of anonymity.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, folks, it's called propaganda, and it has existed since war existed. And for the party that actually started us in World War Two, Korea, and Vietnam to suddenly look indignant seems just a bit..... retarded. It's like Claude Rains in "Casablanca" saying "I'm shocked, shocked to find out that gambling is going on here!" just as someone hands him his winnings. You know, don't act like you've never done it.

Oh, and John Warner agreed with you and was just as indignant. Well, you can have him.

In or Out?

Okay folks.... maybe this will wake things up a bit. I've heard some leftist media types comparing Bush to Nixon. I personally think it's rubbish, and I've never heard it explained to my satisfaction. So if anyone is actually reading this, feel free to explain or disprove. And on the Iraq subject, nobody can say that it is going as well as it might. But to those who think the US should pull out immediately (I don't, by the way), what do you see as the future for Iraq? Obviously they can't defend the place by themselves, and it is foolish to think the terrorists (and that is what they are) will simply walk away if the US pulls out. That means that Al Qeada will have another Afganistan, and we'll be paying the bills a few years later. So what is the solution? And really, I don't want flames here. I want opinions. If you think I'm wrong (or right), explain.

Comments from drones

Just so you drones out there that send spam comments know how much your trash is appreciated, I have a gimmick that tells me where you are in the US.



so bugger off :)

While I was away....

I've moved to Indiana.... just in case anyone is still looking at this. Hey, does everyone who might be reading this believe that George Bush hates black people? Listen, if he had declared those areas disaster areas before the storm hit, would it have gone better? Cause, like FEMA would have preprepared, set aside emergency funds, etc....


well guess what. He did. For all the people there. What really went wrong was that the state government did not give the Feds permission to go in in force. See, the Federal government needs permission from the state government before it can go in and do a state's business. It's the law. And the local government, the mayor was not telling anyone what he was doing. No, he was communicating through the media. He didn't tell anyone there was people in the convention center for three days. Did FEMA screw up? Yeah. But they were also made part of the dept of homeland security. That was a recommendation after 9/11. So yeah, a mistake. It'll change. Is the head of FEMA incompetent? Maybe. He'll lose his job anyway. But to say that Bush is a racist (and what was said publicly by others was worse than that.... by some black liberal congressmen, surprise surprise) because black people were there is just BS. It's excuse making. It is saying it wasn't because anyone screwed up... it isn't an act of nature. It's because I'm black and if a Democrat were in office it wouldn't have happened in the first place. Poppycock.

Star Trek The Original Series: Day of the Dove

Report, Mr. Chekov.
Full scan.
Results-- negative.
Radiation level-- normal.
Atmosphere and terrain are undisturbed.
No evidence of a colony
nor residual after effect of a force
that might have annihilated it.
Life readings, Dr. McCoy?
Nothing. They said they were being attacked by a ship.
[Chekov] Which we were unable to detect upon approach.
An entire human colony.
A whole settlement.
100 men, women, and children.
Who did it?
And why?
[Communicator Beeps]
Kirk here.
Spock here, Captain.
Sensors have picked up a Klingon ship,
closing fast.
[Kirk] Deflectors on. Condition Red.
Protect yourselves.
Total reply if attacked.
So that's the answer--
Klingons.
Trouble aboard the Klingon ship.
Evidence of explosions,
massive destruction.
Captain, the enemy ship is drifting,
totally disabled,
and we never fired upon her.
Maintain Red Alert.
[Footsteps]
You attacked my ship!
400 of my crew dead.
Kirk, my ship is disabled.
I claim yours.
You are now prisoners of the Klingon Empire
against which you've committed a wanton act of war!
Space-- the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the star ship Enterprise.
Its five-year mission--
to explore strange new worlds,:
to seek out new life and new civilizations,
to boldly go where no man has gone before.
For three years, the Federation and the Klingon Empire
have been at peace.
A treaty we have honored to the letter.
We took no action against your ship, Kang.
Were the screams of my crew imaginary?
What were your orders, to start a war?
You've succeeded.
To test a new weapon?
We shall examine it.
There was a Federation colony on this planet.
It was destroyed.
By what? No bodies, no ruins.
A colony of the invisible?
Yes, a test of a new Klingon weapon,
leaving no traces.
Federation ships don't specialize in sneak attacks.
We have wondered when you would begin.
You lured my ship into ambush
by a false Klingon distress call.
You will tell us why with proper persuasion.
You received a call?
We received a distress call.
I don't propose to spend the rest of my life
on this ball of dust, arguing your fantasies.
The Enterprise is mine!
Instruct your transporter room to beam us aboard.
Go to the devil.
We have no devil, Kirk.
But we understand the habits of yours.
I shall torture you...
to death...
one by one...
until your noble captain cries "enough."
Who will be first?
Cossacks!
Filthy Klingon murderers!
You killed my brother Piotr.
The Archanis 4 research outpost.
100 peaceful people massacred!
Just like you did here.
My brother-- you killed him.
And you volunteer to join him.
That is loyalty.
Aah!
Chekov!
[Chekov Screaming]
Stop the torture!
Jim, you can't handover the Enterprise.
Help Chekov.
Don't plan any tricks, Kirk.
I will kill 100 hostages
at the first sign of treachery.
I'll beam you aboard the Enterprise.
Once there, no tricks.
Captain, you can't.
Don't let these animals have the ship.
Move aside.
[Kang]Animals.
Your captain crawls like one.
A Klingon would never have surrendered.
Order everybody in this area to be transported up.
All weapons on him.
Kirk to Enterprise.
Mr. Spock.
Here, Captain.
Mr. Spock, we have guests.
Adjust transporter to wide field.
Beam up everyone in the target area.
Understood, Captain.
Transporter room.
Full security, Johnson, on the double.
Good work, Spock.
What happened?
Our landing party is intact, Doctor.
All others suspended in transit.
Who are the guests?
Klingons.
Well, they're right in here.
Johnson?
Security on the way.
Captain, leave them where they are--
non-existence.
That's so many less Klingon monsters in the galaxy.
Bring them in.
Move 'em out. Move!
Liar!
I said no tricks after we reach the ship.
You're a prisoner of the Federation of Planets
against which you may have committed an act of war.
There are survivors aboard my ship.
We've not been able to get through to Starfleet Command.
Subspace frequencies have been blocked.
There's too much radiation
coming from that Klingon ship.
It's a hazard to the vicinity.
Prepare to destruct.
Completing the job you started?
You wouldn't be standing here if I had.
First group from the Klingon vessel.
My wife, Mara, and my science officer.
Kang, what has happened?
More Federation treachery.
We are prisoners.
What will they do to us?
I've heard of their atrocities, their death camps.
They will torture us for our scientific and military information.
You have a few things to learn about us.
Program the food synthesizer
to accommodate our guests.
You'll be well-treated, Kang.
So I have seen.
Secure from Red Alert.
But maintain general quarters.
Scan this sector for other ships.
Run a full check on the colony.
We know what happened. That distress call.
At the moment we received the distress signal
from the colony on Beta XII-A,
the Klingons were too far distant
to have been the attackers.
Moreover, they also were apparently attracted
by a distress call.
Lies. They want to start a war
by pretending that we did.
Chekov may be right.
Klingons claim to have honored the truce,
but there have been raids on our outposts.
No proof that Klingons committed it.
What proof do we need?
We know what a Klingon is.
Our log tapes will indicate
our innocence in the present situation.
Unfortunately, there's no guarantee
that they will be believed.
Report.
Still no contact with Starfleet Command, sir.
Outside communications blanketed.
Keep trying. We've got a diplomatic tiger by the tail.
[Scotty] Klingon ship is vacated.
Very good, Scotty. Mr. Sulu?
Forward phasers locked and ready to fire, sir.
Fire phasers.
Sensor sweeps reveal no other ships within range.
Lieutenant Uhura?
No contact with Starfleet yet, sir.
Mr. Sulu, change course to 17 mark 4,
warp factor 3.
Warp factor 3, sir.
When I take this ship,
I'll have Kirk's head hung on his wall.
They will kill us before we can act.
No, they wish to question us,
learn our strength, our plans.
They never will.
We are 40 against 400.
4,000 throats may be cut in one night
by a running man.
Patience. Vigilance.
They will make a mistake.
Capture of the Enterprise will give us knowledge
to end this war quickly.
Captain!
This doesn't make sense.
Carriers are normal. Channels are open.
There's still no outside contact!
I don't understand it.
Could the Klingons be doing something?
Sulu?
Change in course, accelerating.
Helm dead.
Auxiliary navigation dead.
Override.
Nothing responds, Captain.
Scotty, stop all engines.
I would if I could,
but the controls have gone crazy.
Something's taken over.
Scotty!
The engines, sir. They've gone to warp 9
by themselves!
New course?
[Sulu] 9-0-2, mark 5.
That'll take us out of the galaxy.
Captain, reports coming in from the lower decks.
Emergency bulkheads have closed.
Almost 400 crewmen are trapped down there, sir.
Most interesting.
The bulk of your crew trapped,
your ship racing from this galaxy
at wild speeds?
Delightful.
How did I perform this sabotage, Kirk?
All my men are here.
Johnson.
Get down to Security. Search every section.
Some Klingons may have beamed aboard undetected from the wrecked ship.
Then help Scotty hammer things back to normal.
Free those trapped crewmen.
And before I put you in the brig,
there's a little something I owe you.
Phasers.
Out!
Stand and fight, you coward.
Sick bay.
Bridge.
The Klingons are free.
They'll try and take the ship.
How many men do we have?
[Scotty] 392 trapped below decks.
Deploy forces to protect your section
and the auxiliary control center.
Check the armory
and try and free those crewmen.
The doors and bulkheads won't budge.
Blow out the bulkheads if you have to.
What kind of luck have you had controlling the ship's speed?
No, sir. She's a projectile at warp 9.
And don't ask me what's holding her together.
Five-minute report. Kirk out.
Full sensor scan of the ship.
Report on movement by the Klingons.
The Klingon Empire has maintained a dueling tradition.
They think they can beat us with swords.

To be continued...

Perhaps I should clarify :)

In the previous post, insert your joke as a comment.... if at first you don't succeed..... (insert your joke as a comment)

If at first you don't succeed.....

insert joke here. :)


I say, pretend you were doing something else entirely