"Cruel to be Kind" Aug 4th 2013

"I must be cruel, only to be kind"

-Hamlet

William Shakespeare

"A little suffering is good for the soul."

-Leonard McCoy

"Star Trek" (2009)

Love comes in many forms and can be expressed in many ways. There is the very demonstrative romantic love, as well as the quiet love of family... even adopted family. There is the kind of love that moves a hero to sacrifice for a greater good (family, country or ideal). There is even the unique love that we feel for animals, and the unmistakable love that they feel for us. Really, there are probably as many kinds of love as their are kinds of people. But one of the hardest to understand and to endure is tough love. That love that makes us allow others to learn hard lessons or grow by struggling or suffering.

That sounds kind of harsh I suppose, but really, some of our most important lessons in life come not through victory, but defeat. We learn more through our mistakes than through our successes. Tough love can start when parents teach their children to work for their allowance. We all need to learn to contribute to a household, to know that the garbage doesn't take itself out. Dishes don't wash themselves, the dog or cat needs someone to actually put the food and water into dishes. All of these examples teach children it takes work to make a household function. That everyone needs to contribute. It also teaches them (and this is a lesson that many seemed to have forgotten) that if we want to have our own money in the world today we need to earn it. We must give something of value (our time and effort) in order to get paid. And with that money we can start to have degree of independence in our lives. As children that may be limited to being able to buy things that we want, but as we grow that naturally expands, and eventually as adults (hopefully) we understand that if we want to have individual freedom and self-determination, we must provide for ourselves. It is impossible to be dependent and independent at the same time. And while none of us can say that we are truly completely independent (no man is an island :) ), we can strive for independence. It is that effort that defines us.

Tough love is also demonstrated (as Hamlet did) by telling people truths that may make them uncomfortable or unhappy. If someone is making a mistake or doing something wrong, you are not demonstrating love for them by suppressing the truth from them. It may make embarrass someone or even anger them, but in the end, they will have the opportunity to grow, and they will know that you helped them. 

And of course, there comes a time when we have to give people the opportunity to succeed or fail. If someone is learning a trade or a skill, of course you have to allow them time to develop their talents. You have to coach them. But eventually you have to stop protecting them for failure. You have to take off the training wheels and let them either succeed or fail. 

Tough love is not always going to make you popular. People may think that you don't care about them, or that you enjoy watching them suffer. Indeed, they may never appreciate your good intentions. But being right or doing good or even loving isn't always about the easy popular route. It's about doing the right thing.