Headlines From the Edge

"Man Sues Self... Loses!"

John Oreck of Mobile, Alabama announced through his attorney Jackie Chiles that he had sued himself for an undisclosed transgression and lost. "My client made a foolish decision in attempting to _____within the Mobile city limits with a _____ , especially with full knowledge of the effect it would have on his _____ . With intent and malice aforethought, as well as before thought, he willfully _____ his _____ , and further incriminated himself by _____ after the fact. A lawsuit was the only way for him to regain his _____ , and this shocking defeat at the hands of _____ is nothing but a speed bump on the way to eventual vindication and _____."


"New Year Arrives, Nothing Happens!"

2007 finally arrived amid countless dramatic predictions, but all of them were eclipsed by the shocking news that with the exception of a ball dropping in New York's Times Square, fireworks going off in thousands of places around the globe, as well as billions of calendars being changed, absolutely nothing happened. The planets failed to collide, the antichrist missed his appointment, and every computer malfunction that ocurred did so with a perfectly reasonable explanation.


"Democrats Take Control, Fix World!"

A mere hour after Democrats took control of both Houses of the United States legislature, every problem facing the world was solved. In the first half hour, the global temperature lowered by five degrees, refreezing the polar ice-caps. Osama Bin Laden apologized for everything he's done (through his attorney Jackie Chiles), denounced violence, and voluntarily entered a rehab clinic. In the next half hour, they ended the war in Iraq and achieved a lasting Middle East Peace. After fixing every other problem, they relinquished power without accepting any pay.

Extremists

I'd like to touch on a subject that just won't go away, and in fact is spreading. Even downunder. Religious extremists. Primarily those who are so hateful and intolerant that they consider it their duty to kill anyone who doesn't believe what they do. Yes, Muslim extremists. Not your average peace-loving Muslim who really has had a tough time since September 11th 2001. I know what it is like to be judged because of what someone else has done, when they happen to be from the same country as you, so I think I can identify with these folks. We all know that the aforementioned extremists went on a binge of burning and blowing up because of criticism levelled at their prophet. I won't repeat it. I'd say to these people, don't try to say that you have any moral high ground. If people accuse you of being violent, to react violently just makes their case. And how dare you warn the world that further accusations of violent tendencies will result in further violence. I mean, do you have any common sense? Or is it just that you don't care about any people on the planet but yourself? It is hard to feel any sympathy for a group of people who kill and burn every time someone criticizes them. People who have escaped from these extremists. Don’t believe me? Read “Because They Hate” by Brigitte Gabriel (ISBN-13: 9780312358372) . Here is an excerpt from a speech she made at the Intelligence Summit in Washington DC, Saturday February 18, 2006

I was ten years old when my home exploded around me, burying me under the rubble and leaving me to drink my blood to survive, as the perpetrators shouted “Allah Akbar!” My only crime was that I was a Christian living in a Christian town. At 10 years old, I learned the meaning of the word "infidel."

I had a crash course in survival. Not in the Girl Scouts, but in a bomb shelter where I lived for seven years in pitch darkness, freezing cold, drinking stale water and eating grass to live. At the age of 13 I dressed in my burial clothes going to bed at night, waiting to be slaughtered. By the age of 20, I had buried most of my friends--killed by Muslims. We were not Americans living in New York, or Britons in London. We were Arab Christians living in Lebanon.

Headlines From the Edge

The following headlines are not true. They are intended as parody only.


"Kleptomaniac Steals House!"

Jamie Presley of Auslaught, Kentucky thought everything was okay having her friend Ally Sango overnight. She'd locked up the fine silver and hidden the family jewels in a wall safe, because Ally is a kleptomaniac, a person who feels an irresistable compulsion to steal. You guessed it. Jamie woke up underneath the big tree in the front yard to discover that the whole house had been taken... from the foundation to the attic. "She warned me," a distraught Jamie said. "She said she might have a problem. I just didn't think she was this serious." Family and insurers have promised to provide more lodgings as soon as possible, so Jamie can host her friend Fiona... who happens to be a pyromaniac.


"New Time Person of The Year!"

Responding to criticism of their choice as ‘everyone’ as their person of the year, Time Magazine has stated that in fact, since it could also be proven scientifically that nobody changed the world noticably for good or evil, nobody in fact deserved the award. Says Jon Schmidt, who leads the choice committee, “If everyone is person of the year, that means by definition that no one person made an outstanding contribution. Therefore, nobody is person of the year, and nobody will get all they recognition they so richly deserve.”


"Real Submarine Sandwich!"

The US Navy has introduced a remarkable new submarine that promises to revolutionize the so-called silent service. The new micro submarine (that is available in sizes ranging from six inches to a foot-long) will feed its crew as they patrol, but will also distract any enemy ships that come into contact with it. While engineers are struggling with the problem of bread softening, they say that they are confident that the minor distraction of bread breaking off and floating away as they speed up will not detract from the overall mission of good food for hard-working sailors.