Headlines From the Edge

The following headlines are not true. They are intended as parody only.


"Kleptomaniac Steals House!"

Jamie Presley of Auslaught, Kentucky thought everything was okay having her friend Ally Sango overnight. She'd locked up the fine silver and hidden the family jewels in a wall safe, because Ally is a kleptomaniac, a person who feels an irresistable compulsion to steal. You guessed it. Jamie woke up underneath the big tree in the front yard to discover that the whole house had been taken... from the foundation to the attic. "She warned me," a distraught Jamie said. "She said she might have a problem. I just didn't think she was this serious." Family and insurers have promised to provide more lodgings as soon as possible, so Jamie can host her friend Fiona... who happens to be a pyromaniac.


"New Time Person of The Year!"

Responding to criticism of their choice as ‘everyone’ as their person of the year, Time Magazine has stated that in fact, since it could also be proven scientifically that nobody changed the world noticably for good or evil, nobody in fact deserved the award. Says Jon Schmidt, who leads the choice committee, “If everyone is person of the year, that means by definition that no one person made an outstanding contribution. Therefore, nobody is person of the year, and nobody will get all they recognition they so richly deserve.”


"Real Submarine Sandwich!"

The US Navy has introduced a remarkable new submarine that promises to revolutionize the so-called silent service. The new micro submarine (that is available in sizes ranging from six inches to a foot-long) will feed its crew as they patrol, but will also distract any enemy ships that come into contact with it. While engineers are struggling with the problem of bread softening, they say that they are confident that the minor distraction of bread breaking off and floating away as they speed up will not detract from the overall mission of good food for hard-working sailors.