Headlines From the Edge

"Man Sues Self... Loses!"

John Oreck of Mobile, Alabama announced through his attorney Jackie Chiles that he had sued himself for an undisclosed transgression and lost. "My client made a foolish decision in attempting to _____within the Mobile city limits with a _____ , especially with full knowledge of the effect it would have on his _____ . With intent and malice aforethought, as well as before thought, he willfully _____ his _____ , and further incriminated himself by _____ after the fact. A lawsuit was the only way for him to regain his _____ , and this shocking defeat at the hands of _____ is nothing but a speed bump on the way to eventual vindication and _____."


"New Year Arrives, Nothing Happens!"

2007 finally arrived amid countless dramatic predictions, but all of them were eclipsed by the shocking news that with the exception of a ball dropping in New York's Times Square, fireworks going off in thousands of places around the globe, as well as billions of calendars being changed, absolutely nothing happened. The planets failed to collide, the antichrist missed his appointment, and every computer malfunction that ocurred did so with a perfectly reasonable explanation.


"Democrats Take Control, Fix World!"

A mere hour after Democrats took control of both Houses of the United States legislature, every problem facing the world was solved. In the first half hour, the global temperature lowered by five degrees, refreezing the polar ice-caps. Osama Bin Laden apologized for everything he's done (through his attorney Jackie Chiles), denounced violence, and voluntarily entered a rehab clinic. In the next half hour, they ended the war in Iraq and achieved a lasting Middle East Peace. After fixing every other problem, they relinquished power without accepting any pay.